unfinished conversations

So, I just went through an old email where I listed all the things I loved about Mr.R. I sent a partial version of this once to him in a card. He told me that he threw it away after everything - so... well, anyway... at the end of that email is a list of things I wish I could say and things I wanted to talk about but felt like Mr. R was suddenly not available - not as available as he had been in talking the first two months. It's interesting. Hindsight is 20/20.

Amazing...

I have a new idea...
I think we (you and I) should go on the amazing race... we can be the crazy pair of people who are LDS and not-dating. I think it could work. And, we'd get to travel the world and yell at each other... Do you yell? and get frustrated and everything... It'd be great.
Ha! I'm sorry for all my postings today. I was very frustrated by a lot of external forces. I know that I have a lot to be grateful and overall, I've a pretty lucky and charmed life.

deep down

I'm sorry for the venting. Deep down, it's just a hurt that I can't be part of your life any more. As early as July, I felt like we were going to be something. I want to be your friend, lover, confidante. I want to be your listening ear. I want more hugs like the night of your play. I want to be there for you. I told you before I was addicted to you; your friendship; your kisses; YOU. I'd never been this confident in a relationship's potential before: I wanted to introduce you to my friends, I didn't think 'wow, this will be a tough marriage if we get married...'. It's hard for me to let that go and decide that what I felt was false.

I thought we were friends

Friends want to know what is going on in someone's life.
Friends want to share what is going on in their life.
Friends are open and communicate, don't ignore and play games.
Friends share difficult times together.
Friends have open ears without judgement.
Friends forgive.

What were we? I really need you to just talk to me and tell me what "us" was. I really want to understand who you are and where you're coming from... at this time, I'm clueless and I want to help and be there... and I want to know what changed in the last month to completely shut US down. Because, it's happened in the last few weeks,not in August, and I don't know what decisions you've made but I wish you'd communicate to me instead of ignore it all.

Pettiness and Venting

This whole morning threw me off when I talked with my grandpa, his wife, and the other lonely old man. I came home instead of going directly to church and I was just wanting to vent and cry for all the sadness... and so I chose venting. And what I really want is just to be with someone who cares... but I chose venting because the truth is, there's no one here.

I'm sorry you bare the brunt of it - but you're not technically "here" any more and more a figment of my imagination of someone I can vent to.

I am having a hard time letting go. You don't talk to me and yet I still can't let go. I wish you would talk to me, it was almost better when we did talk instead of just keeping things empty.

I have this hole in my heart and soul and I don't know how to fill it. I'm doing what I'm supposed to... I'm reading, I'm working on being spiritual, I'm working, I'm physically doing well, I'm even pursuing the dating options.... but deep down. I'm still yours and can't forget.

The sad thing is, you say I don't play games, but my writing this blog is a game and every time I write to it, I feel like I'm not living up to the good person you thought I was before everything happened.

Drama

My life has never been drama. I don't cause the drama, and I don't stay near it... but this whole situation has been drama.

This is why I believed there was an "us"

I like how she is not afraid to smile. Not afraid to be attached. I like how she is thoughtful and service oriented. She doesn't care if I get girly (like this). She will kiss me for no apparent reason. Will take my hand. Will call me El Guapo. She doesn't "keep score" or play games. She's down to Earth...does not get bugged. She is okay that I get a little crazy about her. It's okay with her that I tell her I miss her...a little too often. She makes me want to be a better person...I love that about her the most.

When you asked about calling me "babe" and other terms of endearment, you said that calling someone that "implied ownership". I told you I was okay with that - because I was okay being "claimed" by YOU.

I really miss you sweetheart. It's so hard to wait for you. This is so unlike me...but I'm really getting attached to you and have met you twice...
Mr R: then kinda nudge you...and ask really quietly if you wanna play Scrabble
I want you to be too crazy for me
Mr. R: ...i know you would...you are my favorite person
How am I going to survive from July 13 through September 5???????



You called me your girlfriend.

Mr. R: I want you to be mine...I really don't want anyone else...
me: I'm yours
Mr. R: Really?
me: Only
Yes
Mr. R: Let me be your boyfriend
me: If that makes me your girlfriend
Mr. R: it would


Mr. R: Are you awake my beautiful girlfriend?
6:00 AM Thinking about the ** out of you


You talked about us being together - not a date- but together on July 4th 2010.

Huh, I'm sorry for misunderstanding that I saw US as REAL and in a RELATIONSHIP.

Man Up

So I used the term in an earlier posting... but I realized today that you did "man up". You told me that you didn't want to see me, when I came into town. Funny, when you tell me that you have all these girls who "keep coming back" and show up at your door with their sob stories and how you take them in. but look you'll take them in... and how that bugs you. I was showing up, no sob story in hand... maybe I should have shown up at your door without warning, but i was trying to respect you.

Well good job, you didn't let me, a single girl, in. So good job for manning up - just wish you had done it for someone else instead of me.

Sorry for being petty but TODAY is not a good day.

Maybe I'm not alone

I'm sitting here, venting on this blog and all of a sudden a friend, who never calls, calls me. I have such amazing friends and I really do appreciate them. It was her and her husband who called me. They just happened to get to church 20 minutes early and felt like calling me. I needed that. Some people believe in me, that I'm not a horrible person... having you think that I'm a certain type of person, is hard for me. Is that the price that has to be paid? Is that my reason for being in your life and now my role is done? It just all SUCKS!

Today, my grandpa yelled at me

I tried to take my Grandpa to church today and he told me to "go away" and walked away from me and into his room. An old man came up to me and said, "I feel for people who have family..." and then told me how he's been married for over 50 years and his daughter won't let him talk to his wife or her. He was put in the assisted living place and his birthday is tomorrow: he turns 89.

I want to take advantage of the time I have before I get old and grumpy - and I don't know what to do because I'm stuck on a boy who doesn't want me.

Waste of time

WTF(reak) WTH? Yep, my internal language since my relationship with you has definitely taken a dive. But, really seriously... why? Why did you waste your time with me? Why did you waste my time? Why did you put us through that? Why talk about a future if it wasn't going to happen. It's just a waste! Do you know how short life is? Do you know, that people die every day? Do you know??? Seize the day - seize the opportunities... and yet, now, 6 months wasted... back where I started only I am scared to go anywhere with anyone... I gave so much up to you and I will have to tell someone that someday. I thought you were the one.

Things aren't black and white when we talk about whether we're "dating anyone else" - I wasn't. You told me you weren't. Technically, you weren't dating Ms. YW but you were "hanging" out or Bill Clintoning it or whatever. Couldn't you have told me that there was someone else? It would have helped me not give you my heart. I want it back. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to care about you any more when it's obvious you don't care.

It's a waste

I'm sad for you because you told me a couple times about how you're going to have to marry a girl who isn't a member and how you're not waiting until you're 41+ to get married and have a family. I'm sad, because you're questioning the universe and I think you question whether this is all worth it... and you're ready to settle for 2nd best. But if that were the case, why aren't you just still married? Wasn't that 2nd best? I saw your profile, by accident on a popular LDS Singles site. Interesting, that you say you'll for a non-member, when guess where you went? Yep, I swore I'd never go online dating again, but look where I put myself! I hope that you are going for an LDS girl. I hope that you choose LDS. I hate that you say you're willing to settle for 2nd best. YOU are better than that. YOU can be better than that. I'm not saying that - hoping it'd be me you choose, because at this point, everything points to me being lower than 3rd or 4th best - behind a girl who isn't LDS... so at this point, it's obvious I'm not worth anything to you. But, I think you should have a great life. I want you to have a great life. I don't want to see you settle for 2nd best. If that's what you're after, I guess I should have just left things alone and let you keep things going with a married woman. That's just as good as 2nd best - without the responsibilities.

I want you to be happy. Do you know what will make you happy?

You're not my list

You're right, no girl has this situation on their list... but I still love you for who you are - who you will be. I still believe that there is, in you, a someone who could be my forever companion - but you'd have to want it too. And I don't think you're going to man up and go there with me. There's such a thing as Agency and the fact is, you never loved me... you loved Ms. YW. How many times do you think I should repeat that until I believe it? How many times do I have to tell myself that we weren't real? You won't tell me we were or weren't? I wish you'd answer my last email.

Dating... again...

So, I have a great guy interested in dating me. I should want to date him. But first, I need you to tell me, and I need to feel, there is NO chance... that you hate me... that you don't want to be with me. I need to know that you could never forgive me for my role in everything... and then, I need to be able to let go. I don't like that I haven't been able to let go. I need to want to be with this new guy. I want to move on to the next step... relationship, marriage, family. I need to not remember the beach in Northern California. I need to not remember this summer. I need to not want those things with you. I feel like I was branded yours. I only want to be branded once. I need to not worry about you and wonder what's going on in your life. I need to let go and something inside is still holding on. I feel like I'm not supposed to let go. Am I insane? I swear I've hit the insanity stage. I care for you and you don't want it and don't care about me. Ultimately, that's what has to matter but it's been hard for me to let go.

And then, if you tell me there's 'never going to be an us' - it will break my heart.. but then it's already broken.

I'm letting go...

I'm letting go because I have to. It's for my sanity. I want my heart back - at least I guess I do because someday I hope to love someone else again. For now, i guess it's yours because I don't want to go there with anyone else... and yet someday I want to be there. So, hopefully, someday, I'll claim my heart back again and move on. For now, I'm just trying to let go and wish you well.