two sides

We corresponded, Mr. R and I multiple times this week. I guess I lost site of why I was even trying to talk with him - and maybe came off as attacking. in reality, I just wanted us to communicate about what either person was going through - and maybe for him to know why I did what I did. As I was typing to him via my cell phone, I didn't really stop and think about what and how I said things. We ended up talking apples and oranges.

The reality, I question whether I should have told Mr. R anything. Yes, I guess I should have ended the relationship - but I miss him.

There is a void, as he was my best friend these past few months. When all this happened, i got a blessing and it said to remember the good times. They were all good times the last few months.

The worst offense that I did was not tell him immediately that I had read the emails. I should have been brave enough to walk away. Inside, I was crying for the lost opportunity to have that time with him. It was supposed to be a fun weekend... a good time to get to know each other.

When I ran into the homeless man at the gas station, he saw my face and instead of begging said, "you've looked like you lost your best friend." and then walked up to me and said, "it's a man isn't it." well, I just lost it and tears came to my eyes. I tried not to let them fall. He proceeded to give me a pep talk, including the fact that it wasn't the girl's job to cry. As I got back in the car, I took his talking to me as a sign that Mr. R and I should go and have that weekend. To not cry. Now, Mr. R feels used from that weekend.

After I read the correspondence, I felt used. i started feeling like even my going to his ward was his way of a "cover-up". I didn't want to believe that what we'd had for the past 3 months was fake. I really wanted to have a great weekend with Mr. R. We were going to the happiest place on earth.

I guess the reality is, I always wanted MORE - meaning more than just a dating relationship with Mr.R - I was trying to do everything I could to facilitate that "more" and thought it was what was wanted on his side too. I wasn't trying to rush things. I was trying to read the signs from him... I didn't want to pressure him into a direction that he wasn't ready for. But, I also had found a guy who I had a great time with - and I just wanted to have MORE time with him. My trip to his town and to Disneyland - were those opportunities. In the movie, "ghosts of girlfriend's past" Matthew Mcconaughey says, " The power of a rltnshp rests with whoever cares less"

He told me recently that the YW Pres was on our side - but I'm pretty damn sure that she called him twice+ on our trip to the happiest place on earth. She also wished that she was the one on the boat cruise with him, instead of me. So I don't know if I accept her support. Also, if Mr. R was removing himself from the situation, then the YW Pres should have supported him by backing away instead of being there. I consider her a drug. If they end up together then I hope they are happy. There's just a lot of unexplained situations here. I'll never know the answer. In my down moments, I feel like it's my lot in life to date guys who have ex-wives that get in the way, or in this case, another man's wife...

My mantra has been to "live with no regrets" - and I guess it comes down to the fact that I followed the advice of my Stake President and I broke it off with Mr. R and I talked with his bishop. Why would I call a bishop? Two main reasons: because they were both in positions of influence for youth; and, if nothing had happened, then isn't it better that it not?

I don't regret the phone call.

I don't regret any weekend or any evening or morning or day conversations with Mr. R - I enjoyed them all. He challenged me, he was fun and intelligent and smart and engaging. He made me feel things for someone I had never felt before. yes, I've been in love before, but it's been a long time since I have let myself even get this close to someone. I fell for Mr. R. I fell hard. I trusted deeply.

The rest of the quote from "ghosts of girlfriends past" is that While the power may be with the person who cares less... "Power isn't happiness. Happiness comes to those who care more than less" I cared.

What I regret is not knowing he wasn't available. Not asking the questions so that I would know to tread softly. I didn't see the red-flags.

I regret the loss of something great - because I really do believe we had the potential for something great. I miss him and wish he didn't hate me. I regret that he saw a side of me that isn't me... I don't think I'm a mean and dishonest/snoopish person. This is who he believes I am. I regret that...

I regret in believing too much in the fairy tale of us. I was serious about him - and took the relationship seriously. But where was he in this? He's told me that we weren't serious - so I'm guessing he won't miss me at all. It hurts to know we were completely on different pages. I don't know what or who I was to him. I should have been more cautious and slow in letting my walls down.

Sometimes, I wish he would forgive me and that we could be something again - but I know I burned the bridges by telling him that I read the messages and it'd be a long road back.

What I should have done, read the one email that I opened by accident - stepped back and asked Mr.R directly what was going on.

But I've never liked the words "Should have"... the outcome probably would have been the same.

Today's talk was on choice and accountability. I made choices and I'm accountable for them. Mr. R made choices too. I can't regret something that I feel i was lead to do. Butting into anyone's personal life isn't the norm for me... i cant even walk into my roommate's rooms without feeling guilty and wanting to make sure I tell them.

And Mr. R - if you read this, I wish you only the best - and nothing about this last month has brought me joy. I'm sorry that things couldn't be different.

And no. I'm not the better person out of this relationship. We both lost.