Message from Mr. R

Mr. R posted the link to the following lyrics... what does it mean?

The Unforgiven III Lyrics

How could he know this new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?
Set sail to sea, but pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure.
Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid, always afraid,
Of the things he's feeling.
He could just be gone.
He would just sail on
He'll just sail on.

How can I be lost, if I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold, how come it's got so cold?
How can I be lost? In remembrance I relive.
And how can I blame you, when it's me I can't forgive?

These days drift on inside a fog
It's Thick and suffocating.
His sinking life, outside its hell
Inside, intoxicating.
He's run aground. Like his life,
Water much too shallow.
Slipping fast, down with his ship
Fading in the shadows.
Now a castaway.
They've all gone away.
They've gone away.

How can I be lost, if I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold, how come it's got so cold?
How can I be lost? In remembrance I relive.
And how can I blame you, when it's me I can't forgive?

Forgive me.
Forgive me not.
Forgive me.
Forgive me not.
Forgive me.
Forgive me not.
Forgive me.
(Forgive me) Why can't I forgive me?

Set sail to sea, but pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure.
How could he know this new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?
How can I be lost, if I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold, how come it's got so cold?
How can I be lost? In remembrance I relive.
So how can I blame you, when it's me I can't forgive?

Conversations in IM Statuses

We've had interesting conversations (although brief) via the Google Chat status. It's petty and dumb but it's a tie to what is going on...

For instance, I know that Mr. R will be in the southern part of my state for Christmas. I'm assuming then that he will be there with his step-mom. I'm sad that he'll be 5 hours away... close but not too close.

Last night, I broke down again and put "is snooping really an unpardonable sin or just an excuse to keep something ended that you were going to end after Labor Day anyway... I still have questions"

he put in his status "then maybe you should call"

I wrote: "I did, but you didn't want to talk"

That was the end of our conversation and he signed out. So what does that mean? I checked my home phone, he didn't call me - so he's not making this where I know he will talk with me.

In a way, I want to know EVERYTHING so that I can NOT like him any more. I hate that I hold onto this.

For about 2 weeks, I felt frozen and I thought that was good... because hopefully, that is a step to getting over Mr. R for good... but then, this week I have missed him again. It's so DUMB! He was only part of my life for 3 months and even then, it was minimal... but to me, a naive girl, with few men I've fallen for on my list, he was significant.

My problem this week is I'm going out with a guy tonight who is interested in me... he's nice and funny and smart and comes highly recommended from some good friends of mine... (and they aren't 20 year old recommendations either)... so I should be excited and open to the possibilities... My insides rebel. I just want to be with Mr. R - but then I think I probably only want to be with the MR. R that I thought I knew...

so if I got some answers, wouldn't I be able to have a clearer picture of the fact that he was just using me as a smoke-screen and didn't really respect or care for me... (I keep trying to tell myself that... how long will it take to believe that?) it's why I want to talk... just give me back my heart - right now I just have a hole where it was.

unfinished conversations

So, I just went through an old email where I listed all the things I loved about Mr.R. I sent a partial version of this once to him in a card. He told me that he threw it away after everything - so... well, anyway... at the end of that email is a list of things I wish I could say and things I wanted to talk about but felt like Mr. R was suddenly not available - not as available as he had been in talking the first two months. It's interesting. Hindsight is 20/20.

Amazing...

I have a new idea...
I think we (you and I) should go on the amazing race... we can be the crazy pair of people who are LDS and not-dating. I think it could work. And, we'd get to travel the world and yell at each other... Do you yell? and get frustrated and everything... It'd be great.
Ha! I'm sorry for all my postings today. I was very frustrated by a lot of external forces. I know that I have a lot to be grateful and overall, I've a pretty lucky and charmed life.

deep down

I'm sorry for the venting. Deep down, it's just a hurt that I can't be part of your life any more. As early as July, I felt like we were going to be something. I want to be your friend, lover, confidante. I want to be your listening ear. I want more hugs like the night of your play. I want to be there for you. I told you before I was addicted to you; your friendship; your kisses; YOU. I'd never been this confident in a relationship's potential before: I wanted to introduce you to my friends, I didn't think 'wow, this will be a tough marriage if we get married...'. It's hard for me to let that go and decide that what I felt was false.

I thought we were friends

Friends want to know what is going on in someone's life.
Friends want to share what is going on in their life.
Friends are open and communicate, don't ignore and play games.
Friends share difficult times together.
Friends have open ears without judgement.
Friends forgive.

What were we? I really need you to just talk to me and tell me what "us" was. I really want to understand who you are and where you're coming from... at this time, I'm clueless and I want to help and be there... and I want to know what changed in the last month to completely shut US down. Because, it's happened in the last few weeks,not in August, and I don't know what decisions you've made but I wish you'd communicate to me instead of ignore it all.

Pettiness and Venting

This whole morning threw me off when I talked with my grandpa, his wife, and the other lonely old man. I came home instead of going directly to church and I was just wanting to vent and cry for all the sadness... and so I chose venting. And what I really want is just to be with someone who cares... but I chose venting because the truth is, there's no one here.

I'm sorry you bare the brunt of it - but you're not technically "here" any more and more a figment of my imagination of someone I can vent to.

I am having a hard time letting go. You don't talk to me and yet I still can't let go. I wish you would talk to me, it was almost better when we did talk instead of just keeping things empty.

I have this hole in my heart and soul and I don't know how to fill it. I'm doing what I'm supposed to... I'm reading, I'm working on being spiritual, I'm working, I'm physically doing well, I'm even pursuing the dating options.... but deep down. I'm still yours and can't forget.

The sad thing is, you say I don't play games, but my writing this blog is a game and every time I write to it, I feel like I'm not living up to the good person you thought I was before everything happened.

Drama

My life has never been drama. I don't cause the drama, and I don't stay near it... but this whole situation has been drama.

This is why I believed there was an "us"

I like how she is not afraid to smile. Not afraid to be attached. I like how she is thoughtful and service oriented. She doesn't care if I get girly (like this). She will kiss me for no apparent reason. Will take my hand. Will call me El Guapo. She doesn't "keep score" or play games. She's down to Earth...does not get bugged. She is okay that I get a little crazy about her. It's okay with her that I tell her I miss her...a little too often. She makes me want to be a better person...I love that about her the most.

When you asked about calling me "babe" and other terms of endearment, you said that calling someone that "implied ownership". I told you I was okay with that - because I was okay being "claimed" by YOU.

I really miss you sweetheart. It's so hard to wait for you. This is so unlike me...but I'm really getting attached to you and have met you twice...
Mr R: then kinda nudge you...and ask really quietly if you wanna play Scrabble
I want you to be too crazy for me
Mr. R: ...i know you would...you are my favorite person
How am I going to survive from July 13 through September 5???????



You called me your girlfriend.

Mr. R: I want you to be mine...I really don't want anyone else...
me: I'm yours
Mr. R: Really?
me: Only
Yes
Mr. R: Let me be your boyfriend
me: If that makes me your girlfriend
Mr. R: it would


Mr. R: Are you awake my beautiful girlfriend?
6:00 AM Thinking about the ** out of you


You talked about us being together - not a date- but together on July 4th 2010.

Huh, I'm sorry for misunderstanding that I saw US as REAL and in a RELATIONSHIP.

Man Up

So I used the term in an earlier posting... but I realized today that you did "man up". You told me that you didn't want to see me, when I came into town. Funny, when you tell me that you have all these girls who "keep coming back" and show up at your door with their sob stories and how you take them in. but look you'll take them in... and how that bugs you. I was showing up, no sob story in hand... maybe I should have shown up at your door without warning, but i was trying to respect you.

Well good job, you didn't let me, a single girl, in. So good job for manning up - just wish you had done it for someone else instead of me.

Sorry for being petty but TODAY is not a good day.

Maybe I'm not alone

I'm sitting here, venting on this blog and all of a sudden a friend, who never calls, calls me. I have such amazing friends and I really do appreciate them. It was her and her husband who called me. They just happened to get to church 20 minutes early and felt like calling me. I needed that. Some people believe in me, that I'm not a horrible person... having you think that I'm a certain type of person, is hard for me. Is that the price that has to be paid? Is that my reason for being in your life and now my role is done? It just all SUCKS!

Today, my grandpa yelled at me

I tried to take my Grandpa to church today and he told me to "go away" and walked away from me and into his room. An old man came up to me and said, "I feel for people who have family..." and then told me how he's been married for over 50 years and his daughter won't let him talk to his wife or her. He was put in the assisted living place and his birthday is tomorrow: he turns 89.

I want to take advantage of the time I have before I get old and grumpy - and I don't know what to do because I'm stuck on a boy who doesn't want me.

Waste of time

WTF(reak) WTH? Yep, my internal language since my relationship with you has definitely taken a dive. But, really seriously... why? Why did you waste your time with me? Why did you waste my time? Why did you put us through that? Why talk about a future if it wasn't going to happen. It's just a waste! Do you know how short life is? Do you know, that people die every day? Do you know??? Seize the day - seize the opportunities... and yet, now, 6 months wasted... back where I started only I am scared to go anywhere with anyone... I gave so much up to you and I will have to tell someone that someday. I thought you were the one.

Things aren't black and white when we talk about whether we're "dating anyone else" - I wasn't. You told me you weren't. Technically, you weren't dating Ms. YW but you were "hanging" out or Bill Clintoning it or whatever. Couldn't you have told me that there was someone else? It would have helped me not give you my heart. I want it back. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to care about you any more when it's obvious you don't care.

It's a waste

I'm sad for you because you told me a couple times about how you're going to have to marry a girl who isn't a member and how you're not waiting until you're 41+ to get married and have a family. I'm sad, because you're questioning the universe and I think you question whether this is all worth it... and you're ready to settle for 2nd best. But if that were the case, why aren't you just still married? Wasn't that 2nd best? I saw your profile, by accident on a popular LDS Singles site. Interesting, that you say you'll for a non-member, when guess where you went? Yep, I swore I'd never go online dating again, but look where I put myself! I hope that you are going for an LDS girl. I hope that you choose LDS. I hate that you say you're willing to settle for 2nd best. YOU are better than that. YOU can be better than that. I'm not saying that - hoping it'd be me you choose, because at this point, everything points to me being lower than 3rd or 4th best - behind a girl who isn't LDS... so at this point, it's obvious I'm not worth anything to you. But, I think you should have a great life. I want you to have a great life. I don't want to see you settle for 2nd best. If that's what you're after, I guess I should have just left things alone and let you keep things going with a married woman. That's just as good as 2nd best - without the responsibilities.

I want you to be happy. Do you know what will make you happy?

You're not my list

You're right, no girl has this situation on their list... but I still love you for who you are - who you will be. I still believe that there is, in you, a someone who could be my forever companion - but you'd have to want it too. And I don't think you're going to man up and go there with me. There's such a thing as Agency and the fact is, you never loved me... you loved Ms. YW. How many times do you think I should repeat that until I believe it? How many times do I have to tell myself that we weren't real? You won't tell me we were or weren't? I wish you'd answer my last email.

Dating... again...

So, I have a great guy interested in dating me. I should want to date him. But first, I need you to tell me, and I need to feel, there is NO chance... that you hate me... that you don't want to be with me. I need to know that you could never forgive me for my role in everything... and then, I need to be able to let go. I don't like that I haven't been able to let go. I need to want to be with this new guy. I want to move on to the next step... relationship, marriage, family. I need to not remember the beach in Northern California. I need to not remember this summer. I need to not want those things with you. I feel like I was branded yours. I only want to be branded once. I need to not worry about you and wonder what's going on in your life. I need to let go and something inside is still holding on. I feel like I'm not supposed to let go. Am I insane? I swear I've hit the insanity stage. I care for you and you don't want it and don't care about me. Ultimately, that's what has to matter but it's been hard for me to let go.

And then, if you tell me there's 'never going to be an us' - it will break my heart.. but then it's already broken.

I'm letting go...

I'm letting go because I have to. It's for my sanity. I want my heart back - at least I guess I do because someday I hope to love someone else again. For now, i guess it's yours because I don't want to go there with anyone else... and yet someday I want to be there. So, hopefully, someday, I'll claim my heart back again and move on. For now, I'm just trying to let go and wish you well.

I'm Mad

I take it all back. I do get mad. Not often but I'm feeling mad and there's nothing I can do. I'm mad about that last night, I'm mad about the summer that wasn't real. I'm mad that we're not real now - and I'm just mad. I'm mad that I'll see you in 2 weeks and I don't think you want to. I'm just stopping through but what do you say, "i've got a good friend coming that weekend". I'm mad that I'm not a priority in your life. I'm mad about this whole situation.

I'm mad that I went on a date last weekend with a great guy and I am mad that you are still in my mind and heart. I'm mad that you're the only guy that my mind and heart have agreed on - and yet, I'm not what you want. I'm just mad. I don't want to practice patience any more. What's the point?

in two weeks - from tonight. That's the end. I can't do this any more. I want my heart back. I just can't do this any more. I can't hurt any more.

I just wish you'd be straight up with me and tell me to stop with us being in contact. It hurts too much and I wish you'd tell me straight out that you're pursuing other options and don't want anything to do with me. I've made it, like the song says, too easy to walk right in and out of my life. I want my heart back - I don't want it to be someone's who doesn't want it. I want someone who wants to be with me. But I also wish that someone were you.

I wish...

Last week, you said that you wish we could go on a trip/have some time together, now...now that all this other stuff is out of the background. (I'm paraphrasing).

I wish we could too.

Don't believe in Should'ves and no Regrets

Boy it's been all this time,
and I can't get you off my mind,
and nobody knows it but me.
I stare at your photograph,
still sleep in the shirt you left, (ME: I WISH I HAD ONE)
and nobody knows it but me.
Everyday I wipe my tears away,
so many nights I've prayed for you to say.

(Chorus)
I should have been chasing you,
I should have been trying to prove,
that you were all that mattered to me,
I should have said all the things,
that I kept inside of me and maybe,
I could have made you believe,
that what we had was all we'd ever need.

My friends think I'm moving on,
but the truth is I'm not that strong and nobody knows it but me.
I've kept all the words you said,
in a box underneath my bed, (ON MY COMPUTER)
and nobody knows it but me.

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow,
but the truth is that I've been screaming out.

(Repeat Chorus)

It was all we'd ever need.

Oh, I thought it was all we'd ever need.

I should have been chasing you,
You should have been trying to prove,
that you were all that mattered to me,
Oh, you should have said all the things,
that I kept inside of me and maybe,
You could have made me believe,
that what we had,
Oh, that what we had
What we had

It Was all we'd ever need

p.s.

Now I know this is ridiculous, but I honestly think that Mr. R really won't come back to the blog and see any of the new postings so - ... if I felt like I could talk with you... this is what I'd say....


I just have to say, I like the new FB profile page. It's a good look for ya.

I know... dumb that I won't tell you - but we aren't friends on facebook right now, so it's not my right to comment.

If you...

If You Love something, set it free... if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was.

"yours" "real" to me those words are synonymous. I'm not sure we were really real.

I'm having a hard time setting you free.

Hope you're having a great week

You wrote me that I think about you a lot... well that's true. So I know I need to stop... . You are a friend, so of course I think about you. You are going through a hard time, so of course I worry about you. I care for you and hope you're doing well. I'd lie if I said I didn't think about you still - a lot - but the fact is, this isn't reciprocated and you do have other things going on... but I deserve someone who does reciprocate the wanting to know what's going on in my life/share what's in your life...

Drifts and new beginnings

We've both moved on into things we wouldn't have done otherwise. I've run a triathlon. You - you're in a play. I'm convinced that you'll date your costar. You deserve to find happiness. Everyone does. I hope she's a great girl. This month, I have a couple dates setup by friends. One, he's not a member.. should i care? Another, I know nothing about him. I have to go in with an open mind.

What is hard to let go of is the feelings from this summer and thoughts of "next year we'd be together..." that "something just felt right" that I've never met a better guy that fit like you did for me...it's what I felt and I thought you did too. I didn't think those feelings were coming from me... Somewhere there is a driftwood tree in the sand that may or may-not be there next year. it's the empire state building that I don't want to let go. I thought a higher power was involved. Why would that higher power allow us to feel something false?

may we find the best for both of us.

Why 4 more days?

That's a question I don't think I'll ever fully answer well. I had a choice to run right away. I chose to ignore what I read and pretend for 4 days! Sometimes, it was hard during those 4 days - others, it was a time of hanging out with a great friend - and I would believe we were real. I wrote in my real blog - with Mr. R, I always wanted "More" - more than he had to offer, I believed we were "more". On that fateful Friday, I wanted "more" - I felt like that time would be stolen from me. So I selfishly had my "more".


Despues de pensar, despues de ver
a mi dolor andar sobre el agua del mar
Tibia claridad
Que vi por mi calle pasar
Sin saber que hacer, si sentir o pensar
Solo que aun hoy sigo aun
Aun hoy sigo atandome a ti
Aun hoy mi amor te doy
Mi cuerpo con alma
Se esconde del sol
De noche se escapa
Aun hoy te doy
Mi cuerpo con alma
Aun hoy, aun hay

Que esconde la noche
Va a aguardar entre nosotros dos
O sentir o pensar
Se me lleno de luz la noche
Y es porque yo vi nadar
Delfines en tu voz
Y sentir sin pensar

Solo que aun hoy sigo aun
Aun hoy sigo amandote a ti

Aun hoy, mi amor
Aun hay dos cuerpos con alma
Se esconden del sol
De noche se escapan
De noche se dan
Los cuerpos, las almas
Aun hoy, aun hay

Solo que aun hoy sigo aun
Aun hoy sigo amandote a ti (amandote a ti)

Aun hoy, mi amor
Aun hay dos cuerpos con alma
Se esconden del sol
De noche se escapan
De noche se dan
Los cuerpos, las almas
Aun hoy, aun hay

Aun hoy, aun hay
Aun hoy, aun hay ..

Why keep contacting? I guess because what I felt for you was real for me. I fell deeply. I haven't been able to let that go and just forget that. It takes time - and the suddenness of it - just made it all the harder.

Images

Like the song I posted last... images... I went and picked up my Costco pictures today. Some of those picture, we're smiling and happy. Others, we're goofy. Did I really give up a good thing in the hopes of something better? Was it the right choice?

Goodbye, my Almost...

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick


WELL, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU UNHAPPY
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

WELL, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU UNHAPPY
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the {be near large driftwood in the] ocean
I cannot [listen to Pink Floyd or David Gilmour]
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
AND I BET YOU ARE JUST FINE

DID I MAKE IT THAT

EASY TO WALK RIGHT IN AND OUT

OF MY LIFE?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

two sides

We corresponded, Mr. R and I multiple times this week. I guess I lost site of why I was even trying to talk with him - and maybe came off as attacking. in reality, I just wanted us to communicate about what either person was going through - and maybe for him to know why I did what I did. As I was typing to him via my cell phone, I didn't really stop and think about what and how I said things. We ended up talking apples and oranges.

The reality, I question whether I should have told Mr. R anything. Yes, I guess I should have ended the relationship - but I miss him.

There is a void, as he was my best friend these past few months. When all this happened, i got a blessing and it said to remember the good times. They were all good times the last few months.

The worst offense that I did was not tell him immediately that I had read the emails. I should have been brave enough to walk away. Inside, I was crying for the lost opportunity to have that time with him. It was supposed to be a fun weekend... a good time to get to know each other.

When I ran into the homeless man at the gas station, he saw my face and instead of begging said, "you've looked like you lost your best friend." and then walked up to me and said, "it's a man isn't it." well, I just lost it and tears came to my eyes. I tried not to let them fall. He proceeded to give me a pep talk, including the fact that it wasn't the girl's job to cry. As I got back in the car, I took his talking to me as a sign that Mr. R and I should go and have that weekend. To not cry. Now, Mr. R feels used from that weekend.

After I read the correspondence, I felt used. i started feeling like even my going to his ward was his way of a "cover-up". I didn't want to believe that what we'd had for the past 3 months was fake. I really wanted to have a great weekend with Mr. R. We were going to the happiest place on earth.

I guess the reality is, I always wanted MORE - meaning more than just a dating relationship with Mr.R - I was trying to do everything I could to facilitate that "more" and thought it was what was wanted on his side too. I wasn't trying to rush things. I was trying to read the signs from him... I didn't want to pressure him into a direction that he wasn't ready for. But, I also had found a guy who I had a great time with - and I just wanted to have MORE time with him. My trip to his town and to Disneyland - were those opportunities. In the movie, "ghosts of girlfriend's past" Matthew Mcconaughey says, " The power of a rltnshp rests with whoever cares less"

He told me recently that the YW Pres was on our side - but I'm pretty damn sure that she called him twice+ on our trip to the happiest place on earth. She also wished that she was the one on the boat cruise with him, instead of me. So I don't know if I accept her support. Also, if Mr. R was removing himself from the situation, then the YW Pres should have supported him by backing away instead of being there. I consider her a drug. If they end up together then I hope they are happy. There's just a lot of unexplained situations here. I'll never know the answer. In my down moments, I feel like it's my lot in life to date guys who have ex-wives that get in the way, or in this case, another man's wife...

My mantra has been to "live with no regrets" - and I guess it comes down to the fact that I followed the advice of my Stake President and I broke it off with Mr. R and I talked with his bishop. Why would I call a bishop? Two main reasons: because they were both in positions of influence for youth; and, if nothing had happened, then isn't it better that it not?

I don't regret the phone call.

I don't regret any weekend or any evening or morning or day conversations with Mr. R - I enjoyed them all. He challenged me, he was fun and intelligent and smart and engaging. He made me feel things for someone I had never felt before. yes, I've been in love before, but it's been a long time since I have let myself even get this close to someone. I fell for Mr. R. I fell hard. I trusted deeply.

The rest of the quote from "ghosts of girlfriends past" is that While the power may be with the person who cares less... "Power isn't happiness. Happiness comes to those who care more than less" I cared.

What I regret is not knowing he wasn't available. Not asking the questions so that I would know to tread softly. I didn't see the red-flags.

I regret the loss of something great - because I really do believe we had the potential for something great. I miss him and wish he didn't hate me. I regret that he saw a side of me that isn't me... I don't think I'm a mean and dishonest/snoopish person. This is who he believes I am. I regret that...

I regret in believing too much in the fairy tale of us. I was serious about him - and took the relationship seriously. But where was he in this? He's told me that we weren't serious - so I'm guessing he won't miss me at all. It hurts to know we were completely on different pages. I don't know what or who I was to him. I should have been more cautious and slow in letting my walls down.

Sometimes, I wish he would forgive me and that we could be something again - but I know I burned the bridges by telling him that I read the messages and it'd be a long road back.

What I should have done, read the one email that I opened by accident - stepped back and asked Mr.R directly what was going on.

But I've never liked the words "Should have"... the outcome probably would have been the same.

Today's talk was on choice and accountability. I made choices and I'm accountable for them. Mr. R made choices too. I can't regret something that I feel i was lead to do. Butting into anyone's personal life isn't the norm for me... i cant even walk into my roommate's rooms without feeling guilty and wanting to make sure I tell them.

And Mr. R - if you read this, I wish you only the best - and nothing about this last month has brought me joy. I'm sorry that things couldn't be different.

And no. I'm not the better person out of this relationship. We both lost.

Site compromised

I did something stupid. I gave the blog address to someone that made it so I wasn't anonymous any more. I know no one reads this blog but I still feel like I prefer knowing that I'm anonymous. I have moved my blog to a new address so that I can write what I want and be private.

Update: I've continued to write postings to this site because this is where I say the things I wish I could say and tell someone. Someday, I can just get rid of this blog. I originally invited Mr. R to read this because I wanted him to know the motivation and timing of the events these last few months.